What is tumbler?
Seriously.
Consistancy is for the Weak
Months and months later, I resurface to post on tumblr, having forgotten about it up until this moment.
That or I actually had things to do and my life’s not so much of a mess. So that’s why there’s been that big old gap. I may write a real post if I get bored. This is a filler. Solly cholly.
Aw man
First off, things are going good so this isn’t a bitch post. No worries there.
I just realized that I’m going to college in less than a year. Like, I just finished up and submitted my last application. I am so freaking stressed. Or not even that, just amazed that I got this far. I feel kind of old.
On the other hand, I’ve been champing at the bit to get out of high school the entire time that I’ve been here, so I guess it’s about time. All my stresses about the future are momentarily put on hold since there’s nothing else I can do. I just have to wait to see what colleges want me and make my choice from there.
Lalala
The last two days have been a huge improvement. I’ve been exercising and have lost 3 and 1/2 pounds since I started working out on tuesday. I’m really very proud of myself. 16 more to go!
Also, I didn’t get fired so far as I can tell, but I’m still going to look for a second job. Things are good so I don’t feel the need to ramble quite so much.
It’s official
My life’s a mess. There is no argument against this being true anymore.
Apparently my boss is planning on firing me. She hadn’t scheduled me in two weeks, and I’m scheduled to work tomorrow so that she can find an excuse to fire me. So now I’m unemployed, just to add that in with everything else. I’ll begin looking for a new job as of soon. This weekend, possibly.
Things That Are Good
1. I’m making beans and rice and it smells delicious.
2. I finished my drawing of a tomato
3. The sky is blue but it’s still cool outside
4. I’m not failing any classes
5. Only a 130 days til graduation
What’s my problem?
I keep doing so good and then slumping. I’m so sick of this.
Today is a slumping sort of day. I keep trying to find hope in things, but at the bottom of everything I’m still unhappy. I feel like I’m coming very close to a breaking point, and I’m worried. I feel like I need to cry.
It’s gotten to the point where it constantly feels like the calm before a storm, my life. Things will either get dramatically worse or dramatically better, and I have no way of telling which one. It’s the inability to influence which happens that makes me feel so vulnerable. In an attempt to regain some control over my outlook on life, I’ve decided to write a daily five of things that are good. They may be alone or they may be at the bottom of a different post. Today’s is on this good.
Things That Are Good:
1. The bird likes me now.
2. It rained yesterday and today and now it feels beautiful outside
3. I managed to pop the blackhead under my nose
4. The world is still spinning
5. Somewhere, something is happening that’s changing someone’s life for the better.
Planning Things
I’d like to start this off by saying that I’ve been feeling a lot better lately, in spite of my maman bringing home a bird.
That being said, I had a mini freak out the other day involving planning things. I’m not going to do that whole planning thing anymore for a while.
It’s getting better all the time
I wound up blowing off my hike to do more exciting things, like take my dog to the park and see my friend’s play.
Things are better. Negative energy affects me so completely that I sometimes wonder how I can ever stand to be around people like that. But I’ve spent the last couple days with good friends doing fun things, and so it’s getting better.
Unfortunately, though, I smashed my right side view mirror on my garage while I was leaving today and the thing is cracked and broken. I’m going to have to shell out something between $50 and $100 to get a new one. I don’t have that much money right now and so I’ve not been scheduled to work, so I’m a little worried about how I’m going to cover that and a dress for Catherine’s wedding, but I guess I’ll figure out something.
I’m going to eat some honey now. I’m still feeling pretty good.
On a Good Day
Things are looking up.
This isn’t to say that anything is getting better or has gotten better. Things are still a mess. But I’m excited.
A little bit of a back story, or a history of myself and my ability to deal with stress: I’m not good with it. I either become incredibly self destructive, slip into a rut that takes years to fully climb back out of and still continue to dwell on things that don’t affect me anymore, or I abandon my life for a few days and come back feeling refreshed. The second choice tends to be healthier in the long run.
So, I’m leaving school tomorrow at noon to go hiking with my dog and take a nap. I’m aware that it sounds irresponsible to blow off school and friends and work and whatever else may be going on, but this is what’s going to preserve my sanity. Being around people too much when I’m stressed only results in a complete rejection of everyone I know, causing them hurt and me continued stress. This is how we get into the slumps, and I am so sick of that shit that I’m not letting that happen again.
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